“Saying Hello Again”: processing grief as LGBTQ+ folks
Grief touches every person in its own way. For many in the LGBTQ+ community, the weight of loss is often heavier due to systemic issues and a lack of recognition for our relationships. Traditional approaches to grief often focus on letting go and moving on, but this doesn't resonate with everyone. The "saying hello again" method offers a different perspective, encouraging ongoing connections with those we've lost.
Image courtesy: Inês Isabel https://www.pinterest.com/pin/15481192462696502/
What Is "saying hello again"?
Rooted in narrative therapy, the "saying hello again" approach invites us to maintain a meaningful relationship with the deceased. Rather than closing the chapter abruptly, we learn to turn the page with them still woven into our story. This practice acknowledges that our loved ones continue to influence us through shared memories, values, and the impact they've had on our identity. For many queer people, these relationships carry an added depth, as they often affirm and reinforce our sense of identity. A partner who embraced us wholly, a friend who walked beside us on our bumbling journey of self-discovery - these connections colour the expression of our queerness. Honouring their memory preserves the significant role they played in our life narratives.
Embracing the "saying hello again" method doesn't mean avoiding the reality of loss or forcing positivity onto multifaceted and complex relationships. Instead, it offers a way to integrate that loss into your life story in a meaningful, intentional way. It's about acknowledging the pain and other feelings in all their complexities while also recognising the enduring impact of your loved one on your personhood.
Elements of the Approach
Re-membering conversations
If you choose to explore this approach in therapy, one core aspect is engaging in "re-membering conversations" with the guidance of your narrative therapist. This involves actively recalling and reshaping memories to consolidate the person's ongoing presence in your life. Instead of seeing memories as static, this practice encourages you to explore how your loved one might offer support in current situations. Your therapist may also help you recapture the strengths and wisdom your loved one saw in you, facilitating the pursuit of self-knowledge alongside the grief work.
Including them in daily Life
Develop and incorporate rituals or moments in your day where you acknowledge their presence. This could be as simple as wearing something that reminds you of them or setting aside time to listen to music you both enjoyed. In small daily rituals, we find moments where their presence feels almost tangible. These acts reinforce the ongoing connection, and many cultures around the world have their own daily practices to honour emotional bonds with those who have passed*.
Letter-writing and art-making
Writing letters to your loved one can be a mindful way to express feelings that are hard to share elsewhere. These letters can be kept private or shared with trusted individuals. Some people find comfort in writing imagined letters from their loved one to themselves, focusing on the encouragement or love they believe the person would offer. You could also create art inspired by them or dedicated to them, giving yourself an opportunity to channel your grief in a physical and tactile way.
Storytelling and sharing
Sharing stories about your loved one with others keeps their memory alive and allows you to seek comfort in one another. When we talk about the people we've lost—their quirks, the little moments that made us laugh, the lessons they taught us - it brings them into the present, even if just for a while. These stories help us remember not just that they’re gone, but also that they lived and that they mattered.
“Saying hello again”, grief, and LGBTQ+ folks
The "saying hello again" method may resonate with many in the LGBTQ+ community because it validates profound connections that might not have been formally recognised. It holds space for relationships that are essential to one's identity and well-being.
This approach acknowledges the legitimacy of all forms of relationships, including chosen families, which are often pivotal in LGBTQ+ lives. It respects diverse ways of grieving that may align more closely with your cultural and personal beliefs. By focusing on the ongoing influence of the deceased, individuals can find strength and guidance in their loved one's legacy. This can be especially valuable for those who cannot attend formal services or ceremonies due to discrimination or other barriers.
How to explore this method further
If the "saying hello again" approach resonates with you, you might try some of the practices mentioned above, take time to reflect on how your loved one has shaped who you are, or seek out a therapist trained in narrative therapy to support you.
Grief is personal, and there's no right or wrong way to experience it. This approach offers an alternative for those who don't find comfort in traditional methods. If you're considering therapy for grief, exploring this method with a professional might offer the support and understanding you need. It's a path that invites you to keep your loved one's memory alive in different and often creative ways that feel right for you and your relationship, fostering healing through connection rather than separation.
*In my culture (Hong Kong Cantonese), many people of the older generations keep a memorial tablet (神主牌) at home to commemorate the dead, most commonly a late partner. The living often offer joss sticks (incense sticks), fruits, or foods that their loved one enjoyed regularly. It is also not unusual for people to have casual, day-to-day conversations with the memorial tablet, just as they would have with their deceased loved one. You don't need to have any particular faith or belief to engage in similar practices; it can simply be seen as a gentle way to spend a few minutes each day checking in with yourself while honoring your love and grief for the person.
